The Loneliness of Leadership
Nobody warns you about this part.
You work hard. You get promoted. You're now responsible for a team, and everyone congratulates you. But somewhere in the first few weeks, something shifts. The people who used to be your colleagues are now your direct reports. Conversations that used to be easy feel different. You're not sure who you can talk to anymore.
This is the loneliness that comes with leadership. And almost everyone who steps into a management role feels it, even if they don't talk about it.
It's more common than you think
Research from Harvard Business Publishing found that there is a "distancing" between self and former peers that occurs when people move into the management ranks. This interpersonal distancing cuts both ways: individual contributors may not understand the demands of their newly promoted friends, and new supervisors, not wanting to appear to favour their pals, tend to avoid giving their friends bonuses, even when deserved.
At more senior levels, it's even more pronounced. Half of CEOs and senior leaders have experienced loneliness and isolation, with 61 percent of those believing it had a negative impact on performance.
But it's not just at the top. No group feels loneliness more keenly than individual contributors who have been recently promoted to frontline leaders.
Why it happens
When you become a manager, your relationships change whether you want them to or not.
You can't be as candid with your team as you used to be. You're privy to information you can't share. You have to make decisions that affect people's lives, and you can't always explain your reasoning. The casual camaraderie of being one of the team gives way to something more complicated.
At the same time, you may not yet feel like you belong with other managers. You're still learning the role. You're not sure what's normal. You don't want to look incompetent by admitting you're struggling.
So you end up in a kind of no-man's land: no longer one of the team, but not quite comfortable with leadership either.
The impact is real
Loneliness isn't just uncomfortable. It affects how leaders perform.
A survey found that loneliness had a significant negative impact on performance: 86.5 percent of respondents reported issues with motivation and engagement, 44.6 percent said confidence when dealing with stakeholders was impacted, and 32.3 percent reported a dip in productivity and delivery.
Research also shows that lonely workers are seven times less likely to be engaged at work, five times more likely to miss work, and two times more likely to think about quitting.
When leaders are isolated, they make worse decisions. They miss problems because nobody tells them. They burn out because they're carrying everything themselves. And they often don't realise how much their isolation is affecting their teams until the damage is done.
3. The Common Move (and Why It Fails)
The good news is that loneliness in leadership isn't inevitable. It's a signal, not a sentence.
For new leaders, it helps to understand that what you're feeling is normal. It can be helpful to understand that one's loneliness isn't in any way a personal failing, but rather an outgrowth of the new role.
The discomfort you're experiencing is part of the transition, not evidence that you're doing it wrong.
Building relationships with other managers matters. Not just networking, but genuine connection with people who understand what you're going through.
Cultivating a network of allies can provide mutual support in creating positive change.
Sometimes the most valuable thing is simply knowing you're not the only one.
And it helps to have someone outside the situation you can talk to honestly. Someone who can help you see what you can't see, work through the challenges you're facing, and build your confidence as you grow into the role.
Organisations can help too
Too many organisations promote people into leadership and then leave them to figure it out alone. They provide training on processes and policies but nothing on the human experience of becoming a leader.
The organisations that get this right create space for new leaders to connect with each other. They provide mentoring and support that goes beyond skill development. They recognise that the transition into leadership is emotional as well as professional, and they help people navigate both.
Because leadership doesn't have to be lonely. But it takes intention, and it takes support, to make sure it isn't.
Tanya Davis is the founder of PELMO International and author of the #1 bestselling book Leadership Cannot Be Automated. She works with organisations across 50+ countries to diagnose and fix leadership and communication breakdowns.
Sources
1. Harvard Business Publishing.
"New to Leadership? Here's How to Address Loneliness."
2. ESADE.
"Loneliness in Leadership."
3. Pepperdine
"Graziadio Business School. "Research on Loneliness in the Workplace."
4. Harvard Business Review.
"How to Cultivate a Network of Allies."
